Monday, June 3, 2013

BREAKING NEWS FROM TEAM ROBOT


WHISTLER PRONOUNCED DEAD.

Rumors are flying as to how the 8000 acre ski area with 37 lifts and nearly 10 billion dollars in infrastructure, residential, and commercial development was killed by one man, Whistler-local Mark Matthews.

Early reports are short on the details of the tragic and unexpected death of the beloved ski and mountain bike resort, but here is what we know at this point in time, thanks to the aggressive journalists at VitalMTB.com:






A by-stander, Rupert Walker of nearby Victoria B.C., had a camera on hand and allegedly captured the death of the industry-leading ski area in this "must watch" video footage. Warning: we are bringing you this news as we receive it. TEAM ROBOT's trusted news staff have not had the opportunity to watch the video allegedly containing Whistler's death, so the footage may be highly graphic and may include death or dismemberment.



EDITOR'S NOTE:

We followed up on this story by watching the video that allegedely captures Whistler's death. We did not see any footage that captured the death of the ski area. In fact we did not see any significant physical harm to the resort in the video, besides a few shitty freeride flicks and some skids. TEAM ROBOT's correspondents in British Columbia have confirmed that Whistler is still alive and in good health, and have today already enjoyed several runs on the famous bike park.

Another me-too mid-grade freeride local skidding on piste while doing minor bar turns and tweaks, with no innovative lines or new ideas, with a tired and already outdated over-filtered B.C. freeride cliche video aesthetic?

Definitely not "slaying it." After watching the video I'd say Mark Matthews had no appreciable impact on Whistler's trails, infrastructure, ecology, my perception of Whistler or mountain biking, or anything. At best I'd say he lightly massaged Whistler, but that's being charitable and still a far cry from "slaying."




If you're not one of the five people pictured below, can we please cut the bullshit and dispense with this idea that you "slayed" anything at Whistler? There is nothing new to be done on Whistler, and if something new gets done it's probably not going to be you doing it.









If I see a video title that reads "So-and-So Slays Whistler, B.C." I'm more likely to find out that you actually killed an inanimate mountain than to watch the video and find out you did anything fresh or new.

Also, if you're not one of those five guys, or maybe Steve Peat or Aaron Gwin, could we just retire these words too:

next-level
insane
crushing
destroyed

Being kinda fast or doing something nifty on your local trail is sweet and we're all happy for you, but anyone with a room temperature IQ knows you'd look like you were four finger braking if any top-50 World Cup rider showed up at your super secret local trail that you're allegedly "crushing."

And that's as much a call out for video guys and riders as it is for website headline writers. Come on
 guys. Seriously.

9 comments:

Sam Hill Is Old. Accept It. said...

The only other person I would add to your list of 5 would be Kenny Smith. Maybe in place of Sam Hill, because honestly, he's old and hasn't done anything cool there ever.

For proof, watch his little clip of the gap on lower DRC from opening day.

Turnbarsforlife said...

Glad it wasn't just me who thought that video sucked, bunch of reptetiv bar turns and under-power not-quite-wheelies out of ugly cornering, and lousy freeride flicks even by the low freeride standard. Maybe winter was extra long this year and everyone forgot what real riding looks like?

reid pearce said...
This comment has been removed by the author.
MMatthews said...

You got me on the freeride flicks, but I don't recall skidding? Just having fun on the jump trails... I ain't a racer! Ps. I still love this blog hahaha

Father Graham said...

This is the only known "slaying"(tearing) of Whistler. KOVARIK.

http://www.pinkbike.com/video/231118/

Anonymous said...

Kenny Smith takes new gnarly lines, is badass, generally has metal in his edits, and shreds. He does all of these things at whistler.

He's probably only been outdone on Whistler by Steve Smith and Kovarik.

Satchel Paige said...

How did you forget to piss on the cliche

game-changer

??

2 shots of espresso next time before typing.

Chris M said...

Kenny Smith!

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